Flourish

flourish //

verb

Grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly congenial environment.

This is the first time I have ever attempted to create a blog, or write down my thoughts for other people to read. My heart behind this blog is to create a space to share my thoughts or happenings here during this semester. I have no idea what I'm doing so please, bear with me.

I think there is something so special about journaling, or processing through words. Journaling has been a special outlet for me to help process things for so long. From a young age, my mom always encouraged me to write down what I did during the day, the things I learned at church or youth group, or anything that I was struggling with. Now that I am older, I hold my journals so dear to me. They are full of prayers, memories, cries to the Lord, and so much more. Now I'm trying something new, so thank you for your willingness to journey to this page or even read up to this point. Here's my heart.

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To be honest, I can't believe that I am here. York, England. I journeyed here for the first time last fall and spent my first semester of bible college here. It was so amazing to travel, live somewhere away from home for the first time, and learn about the thing I am most passionate about everyday. However, it was one of the darkest and most challenging seasons I've ever faced. When I left I never thought the Lord would call me back here.

This summer was the best and the worst summer of my life. I was so blessed to be surrounded by a group of people that taught me what it really means to love someone regardless of the circumstance. I was broken and exhausted constantly, but I have never felt so known by a select group of people before. They were able to walk alongside me in my brokenness and exhaustion and point me back to Jesus constantly. During the summer I wrestled with feelings of unworthiness, incompatibility, and uselessness. I questioned how I could be used by the Lord if I couldn't hear His voice or have clear discernment. Through a conversation with an amazing woman of God, Kate Johnson, I was told to chase the hunger and curiosity I felt for the Spirit. To never let go of the questions or curiosities I have.

This summer was the most I have ever found myself on my literal hands and knees, crying out to the Lord, begging Him to answer my prayers and reveal Himself to me. I prayed so hard for the Lord to give me a sign, an answer, or discernment about which campus to go to. I struggled for so long, feeling so hopeless because I was hearing nothing. All I knew is that the Lord put two campuses on my heart and the decision between the two caused me so much more anxiety than I expected. I prayed, I sought wise counsel, I even made a pros and cons list that ended up being the most even list and most unhelpful list ever. There ended up being the same amount of bullet points on each list, and even the weight of each bullet point measured out the same in the end. I was having such a hard time feeling clarity for one more than the other. I was stuck.

It was usually in these moments, when I felt stuck and incredibly anxious, that I found myself face down, on my knees, with open hands, and tears hitting the floor, crying out desperately to the Lord. I finally ended up making a final decision and taking a step of faith, choosing York. I definitely did not feel an immediate peace about my decision when I made it, but with time, I knew the Lord had lead me to the right decision. I never thought I would find myself back in York because the strings that were attached from last year were not good, but with coming back the Lord is clearly redeeming the time spent here last year and my original experience here. The Lord is redeeming the time and energy I spent pouring out onto things that should not have taken priority over my faith.

So, Flourish. Flourish is a word that the Lord so clearly gave to me as a theme for this season and semester, and honestly i'm a little embarrassed about the context of it. I was trying to post my first Instagram of the semester, and was struggling with a caption. (Eye roll. Yes, I know) In the picture I am holding some of the most beautiful yellow chrysanthemums and I had no idea what to say. I thought about saying something about "growth" or something to do with new life or plants, who knows. Then the word "Flourish" popped in my head and I thought that word would be great, but I didn't want to use it if I didn't know what the word truly means. So I looked up the definition and when I read it I started laughing because I could tell so clearly that the Lord was trying to tell me something. The word "Flourish" instantly became so much more than just an Instagram caption. I knew that this is what the Lord wanted for me for the semester, this is how He wants to use me.

The word Flourish means: To grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly favourable or congenial environment.

What stuck out so much to me were the words favourable or congenial environment. I think one of the things that made last Fall so hard for me, was that this was not a "favourable environment" for me. I struggled feeling accepted and loved, and I felt judged more than anything. So those were the things that made it such an unfavourable environment for me. But I think what was so special about getting this word so clearly and so early in the semester was that He wants to use me as one of the people to help make this semester that "favourable environment" not only for me, but for others too. He wants me to put into actions the things I have learned this summer, things like; learning how to love people well, learning how to make the people the Lord has surrounded you with your chosen family, and loving those people no matter what the circumstances are. And all of these things come with creating that favourable environment because once you have that environment that is full of vulnerability, love, and acceptance, then growth happens, that's where the flourishing happens. So, this is why I was able to look at the word Flourish and know that it was so much more than a caption or any other word. This was the word that was going to define my semester.

What I have learned so far, as the semester has progressed is that no matter what my story is, what I have been through, no matter if I happen to be one of the older students on campus, no matter what it is, I can't keep walls up. You cannot keep those walls up if you want to "flourish", it's impossible. You need that vulnerability no matter how old you are, no matter how much more you think you know, no matter what your circumstances are, it doesn't matter when it comes down to wanting that growth. I have learned that the Lord can teach me so much through the people that are older, younger, wiser, however different from me. It's all about keeping that vulnerability, that openness, and keeping my walls down, while also guarding my heart at the same time.

One final thing I feel like the Lord has been teaching me so much about in the past couple months is the authority we have in Christ, and how powerful the name of Jesus is. There is so much in saying the name of Jesus out loud. Knowing that we have the power to pray demons out of people, in the name of Jesus. To ask for the Lord's miraculous healing, in the name of Jesus, literally leaves me baffled. It's crazy to think that we are given that power and authority to use, in His name. It is both incredibly humbling and incredibly empowering all at the same time. What is so cool is that journaling has become such an outlet for me which I am so grateful for. I've journaled my prayers and cries and thanksgivings to the Lord for so many years. But I think now the Lord is challenging me to read them out loud. The power behind praying out loud even when it is just the Lord and myself is incredible. And yes, I feel like I should have learned this so long before now, but I have learned that my faith is my own and the Lord will reveal things to me in HIS perfect timing, not mine, not anyone else's. Speaking out to Him, processing even my prayers out loud to Him has become such a powerful thing in my life. It makes my prayers so much more real because I feel like there are so many vulnerable things that I write down but am so terrified to ever say out loud. So, now when I pray, that vulnerability is spoken out and things feel so different. The Lord steps into this newfound openness of mine and begins to work so divinely and so specifically. My prayers now feel like they have become so much more intimate between us, the Lord and I. Speaking out and talking with God has become so much more than reading my prayers and seeing them on a piece of paper. They have turned into a conversation. And this doesn't mean that the prayers I write down are powerless, or mean nothing, the Lord is just taking me in my walk with Him, one step further. I have been learning that the Lord wants me to speak out and use my voice on His behalf. Whether that means praying the demons out of someone through the authority He has given me, or speaking out my prayers in that intimate time of prayer with Him, or even calling out the gifts and characteristics I can see in others, God wants me to speak those things out and bring them to light.

There is so much power in the name of Jesus, and we are called to speak and spread that name. We have been given powerful authority, so we need to use it. The enemy wins in the fear of speaking out and saying Jesus' name. But what's amazing is that our identity is not found in fear or the things we aren't doing. Our identity as believers is found in the One who is greater, who has overcome death and darkness, and who knows us better than we know ourselves. And as believers we are given that authority and are called to speak out.

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Being back in York I think feels surreal more than anything. I remember getting off the plane in Manchester, after what was probably one of the worst traveling experiences of my life, (God bless you Bailey James for rescuing me when I missed my flight) and hopping on a train to my familiar home for the next 4 months. Seeing the familiar fields, suburbs, and towns whiz by felt almost nostalgic. When I arrived here in York it was such a busy day in town, but it didn’t feel anything less than normal for this popular city. Arriving back at the campus was a whole other rush of nostalgia, from seeing the colourful doors of our flats, to being reunited with people that I care for deeply. Sometimes I have to take a minute to process that I am actually here again because it is just so surreal to me. But then that helps me know and remember that it is literally only the Lord that could have gotten me back to York. I know He has something planned for this semester, and He has been working very obviously already in various ways, and I am definitely excited to see what else He will do and continue to share those things with you.